Its unbelievable how quickly time passes. I met one of my friends about 6 years ago, when I was 14, and he’s already all grown up, and even getting married this May. I’m so proud of him. Many other kids around me are having their own kids, my sister lives on her own and has been in this relationship for over a year now. My once little brother, is now taller than me and unbelievably smart; I still remember when I’d hide in his closet and imitate his squeamish cries, just to see my mother run up the stairs. Yes, everything around me is changing, evolving very quickly, but I feel like I’m still stuck in the same place. Like I’m not changing, while everything else is. I feel like I’m still a mere helpless child, not knowing where I am or where to go. I’m not in pain, but instead I feel completely blank about both my past and my future. Even my current state is somewhat of a blur. I’m not quite sure where I’m headed. Of course, I have dreams, just like everyone else. I want to be happy. I want to make the world happy. I want everyone to get along. I want to believe in true love, to find that person of my own. I want to get married, the mix of traditional and modern wedding, with everyone I love and more. And finally, I want to have such beautiful children, inside and out, that I could teach them the ways of the world, everything my parents taught me and everything I taught myself, everything I know and believe in, and encourage them to find their hope, their fire, and be a guiding light. I really do.

But for now, I’m stuck. Not falling, nor flying, just stuck. I feel time passing by really quickly, too quick, and I’m wasting it.
I don’t know what to do.

& if that doesn’t turn you on, I’ll keep talking till something does. As we’re covered in sand, you roll over and smile.
(Besitos by piercetheveil)

Well, look what we have here. A new one, a newcomer. I am so glad. Honestly, you only realize how careful you must be and how much you really want something once you work for it. I’m back to zero again, trying to become independent, trying to save up so I could start over. Trying to collect everything I need. I started editing more photos, and I’m not sure what they’ll look like, but I’m hoping, praying to God that they’ll be good enough to be accepted in the program. I can’t let myself be refused entry for the second year. I can’t waste anymore time.I;n getting ready to prepare two separate portfolios, keeping in mind that this should represent myself, and not just random last minute ideals that have nothing to do with me. And I can’t forget the letters I have to write. I just don’t want to fail at another thing. I need to grow up, take charge, do as I please but also do the right thing. I don’t know. I am so tired at the moment, the words are dissipating in the back of my mind.

Anyway, all this to say that I’m glad I finally bought my Mac (: I’ve been waiting for way too long, and I don’t even know how I survived my CinCom classes without one. I better take good care of it. This is going to help me a lot. Next on the list is my new lens. Got to save up as much as I can!

Welcome home, Besitos!

I always, always, ALWAYS find myself defending you. No matter what happens. Of course, this wouldn’t make much sense since it’s something that keeps happening in my mind, a battle in my head that I’ve been fighting for almost 2 years. It’s ridiculous, maybe I’m crazy. I wouldn’t be surprised. I keep finding an excuse for every thing you do, ‘causing me to drag myself back into the madness I’ve caused by first falling for you. I’m always in a state of denial, then I fall again. It’s been this daily routine for a year and a half I guess. Or maybe just a year. I’m not quite sure when I finally realized my feelings might be there, but I clearly do remember meeting you on a fine November evening. You were doing your stuff and so was I, but I was with someone else so I had no place for you in my mind. You lingered. Always remained, with your quirky smile and your fascinating personality…THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t even have time to think, so here I am, trying to head back to this state of denial. Actually, not even because I don’t even want these feelings to exist. I have to time and no place for them. I can’t worry about them, so I want them to disappear. I never asked for this little heart of mine. I’ve been able to keep falling for people for nearly a year (it’ll be a year on January 28th I suppose..) so why should I fall for you? I’m always falling in and out without any reason. I’m not even trying, ’cause I don’t have time to think about you. I don’t want to, and I won’t. I could, and I usually succeed for a couple of weeks, even months, until something pops back into my mind. You, in the form of a dream. You come by, to say a little hello or to ask me something. I awake, confused ’cause I haven’t seen you in a while. I start asking myself questions, and then the next day you’re there, almost by purpose, in real life.

This. Is. Ridiculous.

I don’t have time for these mind games. I don’t know what love is, and I’m content with the way things are. I have so many things to deal with, and I’m not even stable for a relationship, so why should I bother thinking about you? Besides, it’s very clear that you don’t feel the same. And even if you did, how would I ever know? I barely know you. We’re not friends, or at least we don’t act like we are. (If we are, then we’re probably those long-distance types of friends ’cause we never communicate or see each other. So much for friendship.) I can’t love you. No matter how wonderful you are. No matter how much you make me laugh and smile. No matter how much you make me want to rip my heart out and throw it down the stairs, hoping it falls into a working blender… and you catch my drift. I don’t have time for this sappy heart of mind. I have a future to build, plans to accomplish, a place to find, an education to succeed. I have so many things to do. I certainly don’t have time to be falling in and out of love with you, especially that you’re completely unaware.

What am I even doing? I have this feeling I’ll always be forever confused. Always lost, managing to grasp a slight hint of something coming my way and losing it again, returning to that same dreadful path I’ve always followed. What is even going on? I scroll through a couple of pages on the screen, reading, scanning, trying to figure out if there is anything like a way out. If there is, please guide me to it. I am so afraid, fearing the future more than I ever have before. I don’t know where to go or what to do, but each and every day this feeling grows worst. I don’t know what’s my reason to be. I don’t, and never understood WHY we need a career, why we need to stick to one thing, and do it for the rest of our lives. The more I wonder, the more it even causes me to question the act of living. I just want to live. To feel free, alive, making everything okay and the world smile along with me. That’s all. Why do I have to choose a career? Why did I have to grow up? Why couldn’t I be sure from the start?

I don’t even know. I want to talk to somebody, but nobody has time to hear of problems. It’s depressing, and I don’t want to bore anyone out with my complaints. I just wish there was more to this. I wish there was someone or something that could get me hanging on, wanting to make every day count. I feel like each moment is a repetition of the past. I can’t continue on like this.

I don’t even know how I’m going to get through this week..

And I can’t stop breaking.

The dark surrounds us, envelops the outside of this house. I awake, confused and cold, and shivering, hungry. I don’t know what’s up with these dreams, constantly haunting me, but if it continues on this way, I might just stop breathing.
Not because I don’t want to, but because I just can’t when he’s around, whoever he is. In my mind, my head, my imagination. Let him out! I want to, I have to, I just need to understand. Maybe I’m just tired. Yeah, that must be it. Tired from this boring life.

I’ll get out, eventually. I’ll grow up, things will change. Change is already happening. Its always there. There when you sleep, there when you try to forget. Time is running out, never standing still. At least, not still enough so you could start to understand. I don’t know what’s going on, but for that short moment I felt like everything was alright. What is alright? What is okay? I don’t even know. Not sure where this is headed, but here we go. I’m welcoming 2011 with open arms.

Its the last day of the year, joy. It sucks how predictable this was, how the last post was most likely going to be a negative one. Can’t help myself with everything going on. Its not like anyone is aware; I like keeping these types of things to myself, and spreading them across the web so those who are actually interested could read this nonsense, and throw up across the page. 2010, why weren’t you good to me? I guess its ’cause I made you a terrible year. I really despised so much of you: bands breaking up, lack of funds, horrible weather, losing contact with friends, death of dreams, university, another lack of funds.. yeah, screw you 2010. I am so glad you’re over.

Last year, on December 31st 2009, I really had great expectations of you. I had fun, I smiled, I laughed. I still had the same best friends, I listened to the same bands that were still together and everything was alright. Everything was fine. Not perfect, but fine. I hoped that 2010 would be an even better year. I had a list. I had many plans. I had many hopes. Dreams. Each and every one of them felt flat unto the surface. I don’t even understand. And I don’t know if I will.

I don’t know what 2011 is going to be like, but I hope its as good as the shows that will be playing in Montreal (so far its the only thing I’m looking forward to..) I hope that I could somehow piece everything back together and make some sense out of this life. Right now, I’m in the lowest state of mind I have been in this whole month. I don’t even know what to do with myself.

Anyway, I’ll cut this here. To everyone and everything, happy new year.
I’m out.

I don’t even know. Its weird, I’m irritated, I’m stressed. I’m a mess, its as simple as that.
Maybe its cause I’m tired. Maybe that’s just it. Then again, I’ve been feeling like I’m about to hit an all time low since the 25th. Since Christmas day. I guess it’s ’cause I remember everything I’ve tried to forget. It’s probably because I’m back in school next Monday. It’s probably ’cause I remembered everything I have to do today, and the rest of my life. Maybe its cause I remembered how hard life is, and how we never get what we want.. or maybe I’m just tired. I hope it’s just that, ’cause I hate how low I’ve been.

The 31st is coming up very quickly, and guess who’s not doing anything. I usually celebrate with my parents, but they aren’t doing anything. They don’t even seem to want to do anything. My sister doesn’t even live with us anymore, and I doubt she’s going to show her face home. We were invited over to some place, but I doubt we’ll be going. I don’t understand why I always have to rely on them, why I always have to do everything they say. I don’t understand how I can’t be my own person, why they won’t let me take care of myself, why I can’t make my own decisions. Oh right, ’cause it’s the rule of the house. I almost forgot. I don’t know why I’m still here.

Oh, true. I love them. That’s why I’m still here. Why I’m so stuck. Why I can’t save up anything cause I do not want to leave the family that brought me to life. I don’t want to let go. I wish there was no such thing as growing up ’cause I’m pretty sure if their wasn’t, I wouldn’t feel so miserable. What’s life again? What’s love? What’s education? I don’t even know anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball, and die. Or take a flight to nowhere. I don’t know. I don’t feel like myself today..

Before I begin my rant, I must wish you all again a happy, merry Christmas!! Remember why you’re all alive,why you’re here, and the people who’ve helped you get this far! Don’t forget to be thankful (:

Okay, I’m done playing nice & content. To tell you the truth, I have so many things to do, and today, this wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous Christmas day, and New Years next week, are my only days off. I’m back at school on January 3rd, and by January 5th I have to hand in a 13 page analytical essay on the well known outrageous and controversial film, Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange (1971). I don’t know how I’m going to do this, or where I’m going to start ’cause I’m terrible at writing essays, especially these kinds, and knowing that I failed the last isn’t that very encouraging. I just know I have to get this done, and make it as best as it could be. I have to get a higher grade so I won’t fail this class, ’cause I know for sure that if I fail this essay, I am not staying in this class. I’ll have to drop it, I won’t get my 200$+ back, and I’ll have to retake it the semester after. Its ridiculous. I might as well do a really good job on this essay.

I don’t even see the joy in ruining your students holiday season by making them write a friggin essay. Its already bad we only have 2 weeks off, and most of us will be working our asses off so we could pay for the damn school. Now we have to write an essay? Anyway, I can’t just rant here all afternoon. I have to at least start putting my ideas together. Once I figure out my thesis and design my structure, it shouldn’t be too hard, right? I hope it won’t be. I have so many things to do and so little time. Tomorrow I’m back at work, same with Monday, and every space between will be put to working on this essay. My room is also a mess. I have to fix that. Got to edit my photos, write my letter of intent, seek Academic Advising, prepare my portfolio… I wish I could just drop out of school. Literally. Nothing educational really interests me out there. I want to sit home and sleep. Paint. Draw. Build. Film. Shoot images. Talk to people. Travel. Document. Write. I don’t want to sit in class for hours listening to boring lectures, I want to actually DO something! I’ve retained practically nothing out of these 4 hours besides the notion that I am clearly wasting my time. Maybe that’s what happens when you’re so unsure. You fall into the wrong path, follow the wrong direction and lose it all.

I’m trying to stay positive though. Some good MUST come out of this! And plus, I have so much to look forward to! So many concerts, saving up cash to travel, to move away, better lenses, more short film ideas, creations upon creations.. there’s just SO MUCH I want to do! And I will, if I finish everything first. That includes this essay. I have to do it.

So here I go, leaving you and all your Christmas spirit. I hope you enjoy your day. I’ll try my best to finish with mine. I really have to get this done. I hope I learn to quit procrastinating.

My sister’s here with us. She’s sick and pretending to sleep, but I’m glad she’s here. I’m done my shopping, thank God, but I still have to wrap them. My dad’s been taking care of the supper all day, it sure smells nice. My mother is like me, wrapping gifts, and setting the kitchen till its all ready for us later on. My brother’s somewhere in the house. For once, he’s not playing Black Ops or messing with the Wii’s configuration. Yeah, it’s just right. The whole family is together again, after a long while. We’re finally taking a break from all that we’ve been caught up with, and it’s great. Its almost perfect, if I should say so myself.

I don’t even know where to start with all the things I’ve been thankful for. Love, happiness, friendship, family. Work, music, school, talent, art. Everything. It’s just so worth it, worth living for, and every moment I thank God for the heavens and the stars above, and the people that mark every breathing second of my life. I don’t know where I’d be without all of you.

Its amazing, how last year I would completely ignore all of this. How I’d forget what made my life meaningful, what would give the air to breathe. I’d forget that there are people out there who care, and that they’ve left an impact on me, and vice-versa. I’m so glad my eyes are wide open now.

And although I still might go a bit astray, at least for now I’m taking the chance to thank all of you. You have no idea how much you mean to me.

And on this last note, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Thanks for being part of my life, for giving me a reason. You’re the greatest gift anyone could ever have.

xoxo
nattie