Hold My Heart..

Its unbelievable how quickly time passes. I met one of my friends about 6 years ago, when I was 14, and he’s already all grown up, and even getting married this May. I’m so proud of him. Many other kids around me are having their own kids, my sister lives on her own and has been in this relationship for over a year now. My once little brother, is now taller than me and unbelievably smart; I still remember when I’d hide in his closet and imitate his squeamish cries, just to see my mother run up the stairs. Yes, everything around me is changing, evolving very quickly, but I feel like I’m still stuck in the same place. Like I’m not changing, while everything else is. I feel like I’m still a mere helpless child, not knowing where I am or where to go. I’m not in pain, but instead I feel completely blank about both my past and my future. Even my current state is somewhat of a blur. I’m not quite sure where I’m headed. Of course, I have dreams, just like everyone else. I want to be happy. I want to make the world happy. I want everyone to get along. I want to believe in true love, to find that person of my own. I want to get married, the mix of traditional and modern wedding, with everyone I love and more. And finally, I want to have such beautiful children, inside and out, that I could teach them the ways of the world, everything my parents taught me and everything I taught myself, everything I know and believe in, and encourage them to find their hope, their fire, and be a guiding light. I really do.

But for now, I’m stuck. Not falling, nor flying, just stuck. I feel time passing by really quickly, too quick, and I’m wasting it.
I don’t know what to do.

Take A Look At My..

& if that doesn’t turn you on, I’ll keep talking till something does. As we’re covered in sand, you roll over and smile.
(Besitos by piercetheveil)

Well, look what we have here. A new one, a newcomer. I am so glad. Honestly, you only realize how careful you must be and how much you really want something once you work for it. I’m back to zero again, trying to become independent, trying to save up so I could start over. Trying to collect everything I need. I started editing more photos, and I’m not sure what they’ll look like, but I’m hoping, praying to God that they’ll be good enough to be accepted in the program. I can’t let myself be refused entry for the second year. I can’t waste anymore time.I;n getting ready to prepare two separate portfolios, keeping in mind that this should represent myself, and not just random last minute ideals that have nothing to do with me. And I can’t forget the letters I have to write. I just don’t want to fail at another thing. I need to grow up, take charge, do as I please but also do the right thing. I don’t know. I am so tired at the moment, the words are dissipating in the back of my mind.

Anyway, all this to say that I’m glad I finally bought my Mac (: I’ve been waiting for way too long, and I don’t even know how I survived my CinCom classes without one. I better take good care of it. This is going to help me a lot. Next on the list is my new lens. Got to save up as much as I can!

Welcome home, Besitos!

Google Chrome’s Pretty Cool.

I always, always, ALWAYS find myself defending you. No matter what happens. Of course, this wouldn’t make much sense since it’s something that keeps happening in my mind, a battle in my head that I’ve been fighting for almost 2 years. It’s ridiculous, maybe I’m crazy. I wouldn’t be surprised. I keep finding an excuse for every thing you do, ‘causing me to drag myself back into the madness I’ve caused by first falling for you. I’m always in a state of denial, then I fall again. It’s been this daily routine for a year and a half I guess. Or maybe just a year. I’m not quite sure when I finally realized my feelings might be there, but I clearly do remember meeting you on a fine November evening. You were doing your stuff and so was I, but I was with someone else so I had no place for you in my mind. You lingered. Always remained, with your quirky smile and your fascinating personality…THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t even have time to think, so here I am, trying to head back to this state of denial. Actually, not even because I don’t even want these feelings to exist. I have to time and no place for them. I can’t worry about them, so I want them to disappear. I never asked for this little heart of mine. I’ve been able to keep falling for people for nearly a year (it’ll be a year on January 28th I suppose..) so why should I fall for you? I’m always falling in and out without any reason. I’m not even trying, ’cause I don’t have time to think about you. I don’t want to, and I won’t. I could, and I usually succeed for a couple of weeks, even months, until something pops back into my mind. You, in the form of a dream. You come by, to say a little hello or to ask me something. I awake, confused ’cause I haven’t seen you in a while. I start asking myself questions, and then the next day you’re there, almost by purpose, in real life.

This. Is. Ridiculous.

I don’t have time for these mind games. I don’t know what love is, and I’m content with the way things are. I have so many things to deal with, and I’m not even stable for a relationship, so why should I bother thinking about you? Besides, it’s very clear that you don’t feel the same. And even if you did, how would I ever know? I barely know you. We’re not friends, or at least we don’t act like we are. (If we are, then we’re probably those long-distance types of friends ’cause we never communicate or see each other. So much for friendship.) I can’t love you. No matter how wonderful you are. No matter how much you make me laugh and smile. No matter how much you make me want to rip my heart out and throw it down the stairs, hoping it falls into a working blender… and you catch my drift. I don’t have time for this sappy heart of mind. I have a future to build, plans to accomplish, a place to find, an education to succeed. I have so many things to do. I certainly don’t have time to be falling in and out of love with you, especially that you’re completely unaware.